Anger, disappointment, frustration and feelings of being let down can sometimes creep out of nowhere. This happens to me a lot. I will be fine, thinking I have a pretty good hold on things and then the rug just comes right out from under me.
This happened this past weekend. As I watched my son struggle all day Saturday with itchy skin, all the while knowing we were doing everything we could to stop that, I felt waves of emotions I didn't realize were there, surface. At one point I just burst in to tears and sobbed behind the open refrigerator door. (it's a good hiding place)
Sure, I've had my very emotional moments when I've watched him suffer or I'll get frustrated when I can't stop him from scratching and he is crying....but this totally took me off guard.
Sunday, at church, while the service wasn't specifically about this, during the closing songs, I was hit with the realization that I was angry. Angry at myself for maybe causing this eczema more in Lucas due to antibiotics I took while pregnant and other things, and angry mostly with God because he still has eczema. I firmly believe that God is Sovereign and the Ultimate Healer, but I think recently, I've been taking things more into my own hands so when I don't see results, I by default, blame God.
And I think more than being angry with the fact that Lucas still has eczema, I have been feeling more forgotten by God.
The song that literally drove me to a sitting position at church was one of my all time favorites, a song by John Mark McMillan, "how he loves"
What a beautiful reminder that God hasn't forgotten and that in due time, Lucas will have relief. That God is jealous for us and cares so deeply for his children, most of all the least of these, like Lucas. I'll quickly admit that I sobbed right there in my chair and had quite the red face after church....but how good He is to send that gentle reminder that was also such an overwhelming embrace.
If you haven't heard the song before, please check it out on youtube HERE
I hope it blesses your heart as much as it has mine.